EPISODE 946: HOW TO MAKE GRAVY

Christmas Wisdom from a great Australian song.

Last week a friend here in Melbourne told me I really needed to listen to the Paul Kelly song called “How To Make Gravy.” Based on the title, I was definitely curious. Paul Kelly seems to sing from the soul of Australia in a way similar to how some find Bob Dylan in the U.S. He’s beloved, a national treasure.

But a song about gravy?

Of course it’s not really about gravy. It’s the story of Joe, a guy spending Christmas in jail. As we meet him it’s December 21st and he’s writing a letter to his family imagining the Christmas at home with his family that he’s missing, everyone that’s there and what they’re doing.

For those who don’t know it, here’s the song.

In one way “How To Make Gravy” is like “White Christmas” or “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” or “I’ll be Home for Christmas,” the singer recalling better times from the past and hoping for more in the future. A wistful song of longing.

But what’s unique about Kelly’s song is that it grounds Joe’s longing in his failure. It’s his fault that he’s not at Christmas, and the song is him admitting that and wanting to change.

That, too, is a very Christmas-season sentiment. Being together (or apart) often makes us face the gaps between who we want to be and how we want to be connected and where we actually are as family or friends. Early on Joe shares his recipe for gravy, since he won’t be there to make it. But then he’s back to thinking about all the people and moments he’s missing, even the ones that previously he would have complained about. (I love the line, “I’m even going to miss Roger/’Cause there’s sure as hell no one here I want to fight.”)

At the very end, though, Joe circles back to that idea of making gravy, imagining a day when he’s home again. The act of making the gravy again becomes a symbol of what he’s learned from this experience, how he’s grown. “I'll be making plenty,” he says. “I'm gonna pay 'em all back.”

I’ve never really understood gravy. It’s thick and grey and people pour it all over everything, which seems like it should overwhelm all the other flavors. Why bother with the meal at all, just have a milkshake full of goo.

But as I think about the song title, which is notably not “Making the Gravy” but “How to Make the Gravy,” I wonder if the thing that Joe has learned is not just that he wants to show up for his family going forward, that they’re beautiful just as they are and that he messed up and wants to do better. I wonder if it’s also that the blessing of life is to be found in the throwing together of all the flavours that his family is made up of, bitter and salty and sweet and thick and sour.

How do you make a Christmas gravy? Not by shunning certain elements of your family or trying to control the day, as legitimate as those urges might be, but by trying to accept what that’s there as a part of the gift of Chrismas. Some people may drive us crazy or always bring ridiculous dates. But when you’ve screwed up so bad you can’t be with them, the bridges burnt and the walls set, you start to see it all in a different way.

However you’re each spending or have spent your Christmastime, Hanukkah, or holidays, I hope your time is filled with an abundance of flavours and great joy.