EPISODE 813 I WAS THE ONE
Also, please take a flag of my face and burn it.
POP CULTURE SPIRIT WOW
Hello and welcome back to another edition of I Can’t Believe They Did that To my Television/Internet/Amusement Park, with your hosts Bryant Gumbel and Ted Costas, and with a special performance by Della Reese.
It was a big week. Let’s get into it.
THE WOWND UP
Star Trek: Picard and The Mandalorian both finished their seasons with a bang this week. After a lot of weeks of “Huh, this is interesting too, I guess,” The Mandalorian brought pretty much all of its threads together with a Moff Gideon vs. the Mandalorians battle that was pretty freaking cool and also finally destroyed the Dark Saber, which was fun for a while but then was, kind of too much for too little. So wait, to lead Mandalore, you have to have this sword, but in order to get it you have to win it from someone else, who may actually be a fine person and great leader? Do you really want your rules to pick the ruler of your entire planet to be the same as grade school children use for king of the hill?
And Star Trek: Picard finished its three year run with an episode that hit all the right feelings for Next Generation fans while also completely ignoring the Star Trek show that its story was so deeply indebted to, Deep Space Nine. I loved the finale, and I say that as someone who never quite “got” to TNG; in fact I would argue it gave most of the TNG characters the greatest stories they’ve ever had. I’m so into Ryker and Worf at this point I am thinking of starting a Change.org petition that they marry this year during Pride. Seriously, it was a great great run, and bravo to Terry Matalas for pushing to make it, even if it meant literally ignoring everything that happened in season two. (It was also the first time that the poker playing ever actually made sense to me as a real thing that these people do, instead of writers trying to get us to believe these people actually recreate together.)
But if you’re a Deep Space Nine fan, you definitely left this season of Picard scratching your head and maybe feeling a little bit sad. Because the main enemy of the season (until the end) was the Changelings, who have never appeared anywhere but DS9, and their entire motivation for trying to destroy the Federation now was what happened to them in DS9.
Suffice to say, it was a very, very weird thing to have the characters from TNG running around trying to find someone that could tell them someone about changelings and never even thought to reach out to any of the characters from DS9. Hell, they brought on Tuvok from Voyager. TUVOK. But no love for Kira Nerys, Miles O’Brien, Ben Sisko (who admittedly is like, in another universe or space Jesus maybe?) or Doctor Bashir, you know the doctor who was super interested in alien biology and spent all those years working alongside a changeling.
Maybe if René Auberjonois was still alive they’d have brought on Odo; that would have been nice. But I mean, he is a changeling; they could have gotten his son Remy to play him.
In other news (term used advisedly), Elon Musk launched his latest prank to ruin social media and his own savings by taking away the blue check mark from anyone who wasn’t willing to pay $8/month for it, including Pope Francis. But then other people who didn’t pay like Stephen King are apparently still getting the blue check, which has them furious, as it makes it seem like they caved.
And I see today that Pope Francis has like, a grey check, which when you click on it signifies that it is a verified account, which is what the blue check was for, so like, what?
As someone who is not in a blue check situation, whatever that means, the whole blue check thing has always struck me as pretty goofy and way more about status for a lot of people than anything real. I’m sure there are people with legit stories about the importance of this for them, and respect, but I’ve just one too many pretty famous person preening over getting a blue check. But it is impressive to see just how far Musk is willing to go to make sure literally anyone who ever loved Twitter ends up quitting it in a rage.
(For those who watched Succcesion last night, Twitter Blue is basically the horrible movie the Roy brothers make Madsen’s team watch.)
A SAD DAY IN MOUSE TOWN
Also, in breaking news—and trigger warning, because this is a hard one—last night Mickey Mouse lost his mind at Disneyland and lit Maleficent on fire, leaving the Disney Company in chaos.
It was another blissful night at Disneyland, until now the Happiest Place on Earth, when Mickey Mouse showed up in his Fantasia Harry Potter ain’t the only wizard outfit for the Fantasmic light show that he performs every night. Other cast members reported that Mickey seemed a little out of sorts before the show, pacing and mumbling to himself about layoffs. Behind the scenes rumors have been swirling for some time that Mickey’s job is potentially on the chopping block, and that he had grown despondent. “He hasn’t made a movie in literally almost a century,” said a sea witch who asked not to be named. “And with that creepy voice of his, it’s no wonder.”
Meanwhile Maleficent’s star has unexpectedly been on the rise for the decade, after two popular films and a third to come. She’s also paved the way for other “evil” characters getting new attention, including Cruella de Vil and Ursula, who is getting played by Meggan McCarthy’s in the Little Mermaid. “Judge us however you want,” the sea witch said of people’s general contempt for Disney’s evil witches, “The fact is, we hustle, we hit our spots, and we give all the lewks, baby.”
During Fantasmic, Mickey waved his wand, as he always does, but rather than simply sending out a gentle spray of sparks, it was a fiery stream that poured all over Maleficent. According to passersby he seemed to be laughing as it happened. “I’ve never seen Mickey like that,” said one child in a “Scar was Right” t-shirt. “He seemed legit insane.”
The blast almost immediately became an inferno, engulfing Maleficent while some guy on a banjo inexplicably kept playing.
Given that she was in her dragon form, it’s unclear what if any permanent damage Maleficent suffered. Her press agent and best friends Diaval would share no details, saying only that “Maleficent is fighting for her life, just as she has for every single day of her existence.”
Meanwhile no one has seen or from Mickey since the incident, but Minnie has made a statement indicating her horror at what her husband had done and indicating she has moved out of their home and moved in with Goofy while she considers her options. “My prayers are with Maleficent right now and everyone hurt by my husband’s actions.”
Strangely, the incident has seen a sudden rise in his D score, the ranking Disney uses to evaluate the popularity of its characters. “I never thought twice about him before,” a skateboarder hanging out with his friends in Downtown Disney told reporters. “But now he’s like, fully sick.”
TWITTER WORKSHOPS NEW CHECKS
In its ever-ongoing attempts to satisfy its user base (of one), the three people left at Twitter have been workshopping some new checks that they’re hoping users might be more likely to pay for than the blue check.
Twitter Rainbow: Hey sassy, are you queer? Want to show you’re an ally, or make people think you are so that they don’t see you coming when you start doxing them? For $10.99/month* or $150/year, try our new rainbow check! And hey, by the way, with Rainbow Check your comments rise to the top. Get all your friends and mob people you don’t like!
Twitter Mouse: Are you into Disney? Or want to support your boy Mickey after he showed the witches of the world why it’s called the Mouse House? Try the Twitter Mouse check, which has an adorable little mouse ear off either side of the check**. It’s only $15/month.
Twitter Green: Do you support the planet? If you do, please join us in our efforts to work for a better future by purchasing our new green check. For $20/month, you can show you care. All money raised by the green check is being sent to worthy charities.*** Help us to help you to help our planet.
Twitter Snowflake: Wanna ridicule all those lefties who cry about things like climate change and representation? Go full ironic with Twitter snowflake, which not only gives you the Ultra-Rare Twitter White Check, it lets you target other uses and cover their walls in snowballs. Oh don’t like it, crybabies? Well, get your own snowflake and stand up for yourself.****
Twitter King: Hey, do you like horror? Want to be the master of horror Stephen King for a day? For $1000, you can do just that. With Twitter King, we give you a totally legit- looking Stephen King Twitter account and you can do anything you want. And the best part is, he won’t even know because our account will not appear on his searches.*****
*If bought monthly must be for 3 or more years, or the result of Twitter’s lifespan, whichever is longest.
**The mouse ears are not the same shape as the Disney logo and therefore not breaking copyright, Disney, can’t wait to see what DeSantis has in store for you.
***We are required by law to report that Elon Musk is a registered 501c3 charity.
****Twitter Snowflake is $400/year.
***** Ha ha ha, got you Kingbro. Just say uncle and pay $8 and we good.
IN SLEEP HE SANG TO ME (WHICH IS NOT CREEPY AT ALL)
Last Sunday Phantom of the Opera ended its astonishing 35 year run on Broadway. By most accounts I’ve heard it was honestly kind of eh. The cast and crew weren’t prepared for the passion of the fans at the Saturday night performance, which was the last one for the public, and basically had to come back on stage and sing a bit to get people to leave. The Sunday show, which was for special ticket holders only, was apparently fine, but honestly a little creaky.
The show is 35 years old; in human years that’s like 170. Of course it’s creaky.
When I was a kid I listened to the two-tape cassette Phantom recording over and over. But I never actually saw it until last winter, when my nephew, his girlfriend and I went in anticipation of closing. It definitely had moments, but mostly it reminded me of Miss Havisham’s wedding dress from Great Expectations. A tattered thing that once upon a time had clearly been lovely.
So much has changed since Phantom came out, not only in terms of how we tell stories on stage (and what’s possible) but how we understand the relationship between men and women. I’m not sure it was ever a really widely accepted look to celebrate a guy who insists that he’s the one that give a woman a real voice. (Basically, the Phantom is the 80s version of “Actually” guy on Twitter.) Also, I’m not sure the plot really made a lot of sense—the Phantom seemed to be responsible not just for helping Christine get a promotion but for improvements in her voice, but at the same time he was writing special music for her, and it seemed like maybe that was the thing that was supposed to be what he contributed? It’s not exactly “this is a play about cats, that’s it” territory, but it is getting pretty close.
Oddly, though, the love story was the part that seemed to work the best when I saw it. Christine and the Phantom had great chemistry. You actually wondered what might happen if she just let go and went with him, the happiness they might have in what seemed like it would definitely be a very weird and crazy monstrous life.
Looking back on why I listened to Phantom so much all those years ago, no doubt a big part of my fascination was a desire to see what’s going on behind that mask. But watching the show I was surprised to discover that reveal was actually a moment or relief. There’s something so liberating in revealing what seems like it has to be hidden, a pressure release simply in being who you are, as ugly or monstrous as that may be.
And I think the love story works as well as it does because the Phantom’s wildness speaks to something similar inside her. As crazy as it seems, he represents the possibility of real freedom for her (and maybe vice versa, too). And the tragedy is that neither of them is truly able to go through with it in the end. He has his mask and she has Raoul, who is quite clearly a horrible, controlling person who she is going to regret. In a sense they’re both still bound up by social rules that are clearly strangling them.
Phantom was huge for its time, a musical filled with stagecraft that had never been done, and a story that drew so many new fans to musical theater. Today it has dearly faded, and that makes it easy to turn it on with ridicule. But really maybe all these years has allowed the show to slowly grow into itself. Phantom is not a show about shiny new tricks and pretty people. It’s about the beauty to be found in the midst of loss and decay, even created by it. And finally, after 35 years, it got there.
THREE TWEETS
As another part of its ongoing mission to burn itself down, Twitter links appear not to be working as clickable content on Substack, so screenshots it is!
Anybody else wondering what Elmo is doing on Twitter anyway?
Everything’s fine. It’s really fine.
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE THAT IS ALSO YOUR WEEKLY REMINDER
Ted Lasso was really, really good this week. If you need a lift or you’re having a crisis, this is for you.
See you next week!