EPISODE 803: FRAHHHHNNCEE!!!!!!
My Weekend With Ralph
Hi! Welcome back to Pop Culture Spirit Wow, where I try to be funny in under 10 minutes so the Pope won’t tell me to sit the !%! down.
I’m a day late after a truly memorable experience with dairy products from our community’s refrigerator, and by memorable I mean that my body is still sore from the experience.
Sometime I will tell you the story, because it is itself a pretty outstanding example of my operating theory of my life, which is basically that I am in someone else’s sitcom (complete with me really just not that bright). But for now, let’s just get into it.
THE WOW-ND UP CHUCK
By the time you’re reading this, the Academy of Motion Picture Artists and Sciences may have already announced their 2023 nominees for the Oscars, which will definitely not include Will Smith, but hopefully will include a bunch of nods to Glass Onion, because that is one delightful film. (Also, congratulations in advance to Rihanna for her upcoming Oscar.)
Looking back at 2022, I am embarrassed, really, at how few films I saw. The three big Marvel movies, because I can’t help myself (although the new Black Panther was goooood).
And beyond that? Bleu and Rouge at a New York special showing. Nope. Glass Onion. Batman (although so far after the fact it feels like it shouldn’t count). And…The Fabelmans, which I saw about a week ago, for an assignment.
I actually wrote an article in the fall about how I wanted my parents to go back to seeing a movie every week, because it really is so enriching seeing a movie with others on a big screen. And honestly, I do want that for them, but I’m pretty sure now I was writing that article for me. And I have really not listened.
And somehow what it comes down more than anything is length. It’s hard to get me to want to watch a two hour movie, and 2 ½-3 hours seems ridiculous.. I literally feel like saying to the creators, How dare you?, which is absurd and also pretty much the opposite of what I would have been saying 5 years ago, when watching a long movie felt like settling in to a plush cozy couch for an evening and just letting it take me away (if the couch was also maybe a train, I guess?).
I feel the same way about TV episodes. When I saw that the runtime on the opening episode of The Last of Us was 90 minutes I just about lost my mind—and I love those video games. HBO has always played by its own rules, and that has been almost always to its benefit (sorry, John from Cincinnati), but its willingness to let creators drop movie length pilots and finales can seem egregious. And FWIW, I say that as someone who wrote on a TV show that wanted to do a movie length season finale and was head over heels about what we had planned for it, but was told no.
Bottom line: When I show up to watch a TV show I definitely want to be surprised, but I don’t want one of the surprises to be that it ruins my other plans.
WHEN YOU SAY _____, I THINK_____ BEFORE I HURL
My knowledge of this year’s likely nominees is really bad. Truly, it’s so bad that this is what I think of when I hear about these movies.
TÁR
AKA The Accent Movie. (This is literally my main thought about this movie, and I am not proud of it.)
It’s about a music conductor who is also like, totally obsessed with someone.
EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE
AKA The Eyeball Movie
It’s about Michelle Yeoh doing whatever the #!!% she wants through all of space and time. (This movie I really want to see.)
THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN
AKA Martin McDonagh Irish Movie
It’s about two guys and is truly hilarious, unexpectedly violent and profoundly disturbing.
(Come on, it’s definitely In Bruges, isn’t it?)
(I would actually really like to see this, too.)
ELVIS
AKA Show Me Your Blue Suede Shoes
It’s a musical about Elvis Presley, told in an ornate, fantastically colored hyperkinetic way that somehow still seems like a celebration of life even though it ends in abject tragedy.
THE FABELMANS (BEFORE LAST WEEK)
AKA Spielberg Kid Movie
Actually this one I knew about, because it got so much press. It’s the story of how Steven Spielberg survived his parents’ divorce—but also it’s about a lot more. I actually thought it was pretty great.
Am I close on any of these?
WOW NOW, SAID THE LADY WHO WENT INTO THAT PUBLIC BATHROOM AFTER ME
SNL with Host Aubrey Plaza—This is definitely a weird season for SNL. There’s some very capable funny people on the show, a couple tremendous impersonators, but the only person right now that consistently pops (beyond the ever-wonderful Kenan Thompson) is Bowen Yang. There’s almost no recurring characters, either, because the people that did them have all left.
But if you’ve got the chops that makes it kind of a great time to be the host, because you really can be the center of the show, and the cast will back you well. So this week, on what may end up being the best episode of the season—even more consistent than Martin & Short, Aubrey Plaza got to do an insane Miss France impersonation:
An Irish Catholic nun who is suddenly questioning everything:
A hilarious gay M3GAN riff:
And an insane Puerto Rican bartender:
(Actually, correction on the cast this year: Any time the show lets the cast members of color do a thing together, it absolutely sings.)
I didn’t even recognize Plaza in some of these sketches. And by the way, she was in FOUR OTHERS, too, plus an extended opening.
And she nailed every single one. It was insane, like everyone’s dream version of being on the show.
Other than that, what was there that really stood out this week? Oh right, this guy:
They actually used Yang’s Santos TWICE in 90 minutes, both times for multiple minutes. That’s where we’re at. It’s not necessarily bad, either. But it’s different.
(By the way, Molly Kearney as a suicidal Miss Denmark and Mother Superior was also pretty epic.)
I BET IT’S GOOD THOUGH I JUST HAD MY FIRST FULL MEAL IN THREE DAYS
I have to admit, I read a lot of this profile of Spielberg and his struggle to make The Fabelmans (but not all, it still counts!). I really love hearing Spielberg talk about his fears and insecurity making the movie. It’s so not how he normally talks about stuff. A big part of what makes Fabelmans so special, actually, is the level of personal vulnerability he brings to it.
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE: NEVER EAT JESUIT COMMUNITY CREAM CHEESE
I dropped a lot of YouTubes tonight. But if you’re looking for a moment of joy may I offer this insane moment from the Miss Universe sketch. It was definitely helpful on a long weekend while also capturing much of it.
See you next week