EPISODE 616: LIVE FROM KRAKOA

This might be a deep cut.

POP CULTURE SPIRIT WOW

So I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but in addition to doing God and religion and stuff there are some Jesuits that are pretty deep in the world of science. We’ve got Jesuit doctors, Jesuit sociologists, even Jesuit astrophysicists.

And one of those guys is apparently a fan of the newsletter and got in touch recently to point out that I was approaching episode 616 and did I perhaps want to try and do the newsletter equivalent of a livestream from Earth-616, otherwise known as the Marvel Universe.

Now if you’re thinking Wait a minute, now… well, so was I. First of all, how do we know that the Marvel Universe actually exists? But I guess he’s part of a school of thought that argues if we accept the notion of the multiuniverse in which there are an infinite number of universes, then there absolutely must be an actual Marvel Universe. And apparently he’s held this view for quite some time, and has been working on a means of “hacking” into 616.

We were supposed to do it last week, but there was some kind of interference he hadn’t accounted for or some quadratic equation he had not properly solved for x, I don’t know, I try to write pretty words, what do I know from interdimensional coeefficents?

But I’m with him today as I’m writing this and he is nodding at me, telling me that we’re a go. Neither one of us is really sure how this will work, or how fast, but I’m going to give him the nod right now…

…

Okay, did it. And now I guess we just woh my God I wish you could see this. The work that Jumbo Carnation and his team have put in with each community member to design an outfit that steps beyond the standard human notions of clothing to make room for each person’s unique gifts is just amazing. Like seriously, if Storm can make stormclouds, why not use them?

(Her outfit is not only partially black cloud, it has tiny lightning bolts shooting through it all the time. It is unfreaking real.)

I know you’re probably wondering what I chose. Where you are it probably looks like every mutant on Krakoa is at the Hellfire Gala. But actually even among us it was very much by invite only. There’s all these super important people and a lot at stake — although what exactly has not been made clear even to us. Something to do with Mars, maybe — the planet, I mean. I know that sounds nuts, and seriously it probably is, people here drink WAY too much all day long. But that is the gossip at the Lagoon and so I’m reporting it.

Honestly I’m relieved not to be involved with the Gala. Beast was pushing to use me for what sounded like some very messed up spy thing, and I’m new enough that I was kind of worried I would have to do it or get kicked back to New York—which would not have been a bad thing, if I hadn’t spent six months hanging out with people who can fly or have sixty eight eyes. (Despite being super young, Eye-Boy, as he is known, is absolutely the greatest kid on the island. And he doesn’t know it, which makes it all that much more wonderful.) But I guess the Council got wind and were not having it. Seriously, for those of you whose memories of Hank McCoy are still warm, I felt the same when I got here. The man is part of the 05, for God’s sake. But in person he is pretty spooky. You can see his mind always running angles and keeping secrets. It’s very creepy.

I did, however, get to help welcome people to Krakoa. Just a ticket taker/help people step off their boats person. And in the process I did note a couple surprises.

First of all, Captain America smells bad. Like, real bad. Apparently because they did not have the kind of deodorant we do now, he never got in the habit, and he thinks it’s ridiculous. When in fact what is ridiculous is a dude wearing an American flag that smells like he has been living in an abandoned warehouse for the last 100 years.

It’s real real bad, you guys.

Meanwhile, Iron Man’s armor actually pumps out cologne. One of the Cuckoos read his mind and learned that he tells people he does it to hide the trail of stank that follows Cap everywhere. But in fact he think it makes him a player. But it’s Drakkar, you guys. So out of date and gross.

Who else can I tell you about? Sue Storm was super protective of the kids, and was doing this cool thing where she would constantly render people’s bags or jackets invisible so she could see if there was anything to worry about. It might seem a bit much, except with the whole cascading set of disasters surrounding Franklin — he’s a mutant and Professor X tried to steal him; he isn’t and Professor X wouldn’t even let him come back to get his stuff — I totally get it. Honestly, Franklin was one of the best kids in my class; he was so happy to be with us. What they’ve done just makes no sense to me.

Who else can I tell you about? Hawkeye and Spider-Man each tried to sneak into the party. Emma let Hawkeye in. I guess they have history? Also she insisted that he go by the nickname “Himbo” all night, which is pretty hilarious.

Speaking of which, this has been making the rounds on Mutter. Pretty hilarious (and totally true).

Spider-Man got turned away repeatedly. Literally no one wanted him there except for me and a few other New Yorkers. “They think they want him,” Cyclops said near me, “but give him 20 minutes and he’ll be creating some kind of unintentional chaos that he’ll escape from him unscathed while the rest of us are left to pick up the pieces.”

So yeah. He actually got put in a boat, driven off shore and then dumped in the Pacific. Super harsh, but he didn’t seem too put out. I don’t think we’re the first to do this too him.

What other things are people always asking…Oh right. Magneto is actually handsome in person, but no, not as muscular as he seems. He’s fit, but he is a man is in his early 60s. His six pack days are over.

(UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS ANYONE TO TELL HIM THIS AS HE COULD VERY MURDER ME FOR SPORT AND I AM TRYING TO KEEP MY YEARS AND DAYS WITHOUT A RESURRECTION STREAK ALIVE.)

Professor X is straight up scary. For those of you who keep DMing me to ask him why he wears that helmet all the time, I am not doing that because he could erase all of my memories of you in an instant.

Lastly, Mystique seems to be spending all her free time punking people. It’s cute, I guess, except part of her act seems to be ruining people’s lives — she has destroyed pretty much every young person’s credit rating at this point.

Other questions I’m getting:

Do you miss Apocalypse? God no.

Is Roger Moore really dead? Yes, Jane, he is. Please stop emailing me. Roger Moore is not a mutant. Or a good actor.

Do your dogs have to be mutants to get on the island, too? Maybe theoretically, but they’ve looked a blind eye so far. Thank God. Krakoa has three writte rules, but LET PEOPLE HAVE THEIR PETS is definitely understood to also be true.

++

That’s pretty much all there is to report at this point. I should get back to the Not-Party we’re having back at the Lagoon. No-Girl is host/DJ and she is killing it.

Miss you all! More wait to see if this will work. If I’m being honest I have my doubts. The Jesuit astrophysicist guy is really still pretty sketchy on the details.

Actually the whole thing kind of feels like this: (Read left to right and stick with it. You’ll be glad you did.)

I feel like I should have some article recommendations or something for you in case it doesn’t pan out. Maybe some stuff for Pride?

Here’s a piece from the NY Times today talking about NYC Catholic parishes that are welcoming to queer people. One of those mentioned is Xavier Parish in Chelsea, which is a community I lived at for a couple years and I am actually going to be returning to next month!

Here’s an interesting piece about six queer TV and film creators who have projects they want to get made and no one will give them green light. Some really great ideas in there.

And this is a great piece about the costumes used in queer-friendly show Shrill (which I’ve written about here before and you should definitely watch; so so good). As I’ve rewatched a bunch of episodes now I’ve been really struck by the costumes and also the cinematography. It’s a sitcom that has put way more time into considering its visuals than most do.

(Oh, and for anyone interested, I got asked to write a little piece about the HBO Max Friends Reunion show recently. I got a little dark at some points — reunions, man, they are not my jam. But lots of fun stuff to think about, too.)

Okay, still no idea if this is ever going to work, so I think I’ll sign out for now. Things are a little crazy right now as I start packing to move but I should be back next week.

In the meantime, hope you’re all taking care of yourselves and working to connect beyond your own universes to this weird old planet we call home. It’s been a scary year, but little by little we get to make a world together again.

Have a great week.