EPISODE 546: UNBOXING
I'll Just Throw Your Stocking in the Fire
POP CULTURE SPIRIT WOW
Can we start with laughter please?
My folks and I did not go through that, though I did feel guilty in exactly those ways when I called to say I’m not coming home for the holidays. I’ve barely even left my room in nine months; they know I’m definitely not flying to Chicago.
We’ve had thirteen Jesuits move in here since the pandemic began and none of them have ever met me other than on Zoom. I’m like a ghost in the house, except instead of trying to scare everyone I’m trying to stay away from them. (Come to think of it, isn’t that what most ghosts want in the first place, just to be left alone?)
Our superior told me I’ll be part of the lore of this community going forward. I was like, as long there is a community going forward I’m good.
It’s been, um, not the best week on record? You know things are not great when they tell you we need new words to describe what’s happening here, because “surge” is not strong enough.
Yeahhh.
It’s like we’re in Vegas (baby) and we feel so good about our hand we double down on it, except in this case our hand is “number of cases” and “double down” means literally doubling our cases. And actually it’s not like that, that’s actually what happened – people felt so good about their safety practices they gambled they’d be fine to not only to do the kinds of things we’re supposed to be avoiding but to do a bit more of them, because the holidays. And now in the course of one week we went from 5000 cases in one day – a record – to two days of 10000. We had more cases last week than Australia has had for the whole pandemic. And they’ve had almost 28000 cases.
I was interviewed last week by someone wondering what our pop culture will be like after the pandemic. Everything I hear suggests we’ll see a lot of smaller heartfelt or zany comedies. But after the last few days I find myself wanting to write a horror film about a nurse who has just had it with people not wearing masks and decides to take care of them once and for all.
In some ways I find myself thinking more of our health care workers than anybody right now. It might be the Meredith Grey effect—Grey’s Anatomy came back in full pandemic mode, so much so that seriously the show should have a trigger warning before episode. And a considerable amount of the show is taken up with watching medical professionals try to keep going in the midst of this, while also not getting sick themselves. It’s just insane. And I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have worked the last nine months of this and now being told to buckle down for SUBMIT YOUR CHOICE FOR WORD THAT IS WORSE THAN ‘SURGE’; WINNING ENTRY WILL GET AN OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY PILLOW ON WHICH TO LAY YOUR HEAD AS YOU DREAM THAT SOME DAY YOU WILL GET TO VACATION IN THE UNITED KINGDOM AGAIN.
So yeah. Not really showing your good side, America. If this were a job interview we would not only not be calling you back, we would try to find out where else you were applying and then also call them to say don’t even bother interviewing this guy right now, he crazy.
Is it me or does “You are my beloved son with whom I am well pleased” seem a tad less believable in this context?
MERRY CHRISTMAS, REBEL SCUM.
Have you finished THE CROWN? It was good, right?
Or maybe not?
The guy who wrote this did it as kind of a joke. Slate interviewed him; it’s fun.
Meanwhile the Guardian interviewed the guy who broke into the Palace. What I find delightful his specific hostility toward the actor that plays him.
“I’m actually better looking, and he seems totally charmless,” he said, of the actor Tom Brooke.
What’s really hilarious is that Tom Brooke did such a great job. NOBODY likes the guy who breaks into their Nana’s bedroom, let alone Queen Elizabeth’s. He did it twice, and Brooke makes him absolutely sympathetic.
There seems to be a lot more hostility toward the show this season, lots of complaints about accuracy, including from the Royal family. We’re dealing with Charles and Diana now; it makes sense. But I continue to be impressed by the way the show works to understand everyone, rather than vilify. Charles may not like what he sees, but I just don’t think he’s ever going to find a more humane take than this.
But what do I know, I live in a place where people seem to think coronavirus is like the hot new breakfast cereal, you GOTTA try it. And hey, share it with your friends!
And now, Cats Behind Pixelated Glass Doors.
And hey, before you go, don’t miss Cats On Glass Tables.
I have never wanted a cat before – I’m allergic; my brother and I used to have to sit outside when we went to our grandma’s because we didn’t want to die.
But right now somehow I think a cat would totally get me. “Don’t apologize for your isolation,” it would tell me by way of sitting on my chest and staring into my face while it considered chewing off my nose. “That is all I’ve ever wanted.”
I keep watching Christmas movies. Four word reviews:
HOLIDATE (Netflix): I mean, I guess?
THE HAPPIEST SEASON (Hulu): Starts ehh, gets good.
SHADOWLANDS (iTunes): Hopkins+Winger=Yes Please.
LAST CHRISTMAS (Netflix): 100% my new favorite. Love, Actually but built around one main story. Great music, all from George Michael. Sweet. The shot above is from it. Yes, I know that’s more than four words, so what, it’s really good.
Soon to come: JINGLE JANGLE; CHRISTMAS ON 34th STREET; KLAUS; DEAR SANTA; LET IT SNOW; EVERYTHING ELSE THAT CAN HIDE ME.
Basically this is me but instead of “playlists” insert “Movies that Do Not Use the Word ‘Surge’”:
It’s after 1am and so time for me to leave my room and do my evening haunting.
If you’re somewhere that’s freaking you out, hang in there. You are not alone. I know, it’s like we’re in a van and our destination is just ahead, our friends are already there and they’ve set up a party with shots and everything, but for some reason the driver is like But wouldn’t it be hilarious to instead drive off a bridge though? And then we’re like, No, pull over, you’re drunk. And he’s like, Screw you, it’s my right.
But what we have to deal with right now is today. Maybe parts of that will be scary. But there’s still room in it for you to experience other things, too. Like two teenagers from Japan who have way too much time on their hands.
Or this guy, who is going into abandoned malls and playing pop songs.
Is it Walking Dead terrifying or kind of beautiful? I can’t decide, which I’m grateful for, because distractions right now are God’s way of saving me from myself.
And so maybe is Pete Davidson.
(Am I the only one who really wanted Santa to drop some sick Eminem-ish rhymes?)
Hang in there. Be good to yourself.