EPISODE 507: MY FEET DON'T TOUCH THE FLOOR
I once drove hundreds of miles in a blizzard, despite having been warned that conditions were super dangerous, because hey, I'm from Chicago. How bad could it be? (A: It took 6 hours to go 100 miles.)
POP CULTURE SPIRIT WOW
So am I the only one feeling a little bit like this right now:
I actually had to change my internet homepage away from the Guardian, because it was freaking me out. I get it: there is still coronavirus. Please tell me about The Bachelor, and accompany it with a picture of a cat hugging a bear.
I am here for you.
I’ve been a little surprised at how blithe social media is being about the whole thing, is maybe the dumbest thing I’ve ever said out loud, but still, I kind of am. The Stand was probably my favorite book growing up, I thoroughly enjoyed the first 47 seasons of The Walking Dead; I even won a screenwriting prize for a TV pilot about a father and son trapped on opposite sides of the country after a plague ravages humanity.
And still, I did not have room in my imagination for this take on life right now:
Nor did I imagine how much my feed (and life) would be filled with comments like these:
I seriously can’t tell whether I normally touch my face a lot or the whole DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE messaging has given me a nigh-irresistible desire. Either way I now live with the feeling of ants crawling on my face and that, too, is a twist I did not see coming.
(Also I have never ever ever noticed myself touching things like door knobs or railings before. Turns out I am basically running my hands over everything 24/7.)
I’ll be honest, I sort of assume at this point we’re in for the virus really hitting here. On the West Coast we have cases where we can’t trace back how they even got it. You’re sure you haven’t been to Wuhan? And everything I’m reading says the next couple weeks we’re going to see this big spike in cases, just because the virus has been here without us fully knowing. Meanwhile the virus seems to be slowing in China, so there’s light at the other end of the tunnel, too.
I’m just sort of imagining the whole thing like getting ready for a Nor’easter. I went out last night and bought a lot of Gatorade – good for keeping your electrolytes up, both before and during flus -- and also a lot of food. (Including Airborne, which is probably more anxiety candy at this point than of real value, but it reminds me of the taste of my childhood Flintstone vitamins and I really need that right now you guys.)
Whenever there’s a serious flu, parishes stop offering the wine and also the sign of peace. There’s been no announcement like that yet here, but I’d expect we’ll get one next week. I had Mass this morning and I actually tried to make it into something fun. I told people, shaking hands might not be the best idea right now. But what about a non-touch full-attitude high five? Some very animated finger pistols? Or some of this:
Honestly, what I wanted to do was have the music director play something with a little shake in its step and have an in the pew, Ellen-style dance party. I didn’t quite have the guts to ask for that, but we had fun with what we did.
Actually after I did that someone sent me this video of what they’ve taken to doing in China, and I freaking love it:
In the midst of my own anxieties, I see a video like that and all I can think is, human beings, man, they’re kinda great.
This really is a lot of my image of Church and also its patron saint:
Over the weekend the comic convention season got underway with C2E2 in Chicago. One of the big announcements was a new character coming to Marvel comics called, I kid you not, “Virus”. I’m thinking it’s not going to be a big hit.
I had a busy week finishing a treatment for ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE. Got to this morning and suddenly realized the biggest projects I’ve been pushing up the hill are for the moment in someone else’s hands. Oh. What do I do now?
It’s good; it means this week I have time to sit back and look at a couple other things I’ve been noodling on. I really want to write something about a priest that’s a private investigator. Think less Father Dowling and more Chinatown, but with a priest.
I actually think some part of me would like to become a private investigator. It’s a crazy idea on many levels, and I can’t imagine spying on people so as to reveal their secrets. But there’s something about the darkness of that work that resonates with me. Something about the idea of having your illusions shattered…
Modern Family finished shooting its final episode last week. The cast posted some great pictures.
When I arrived at UCLA, Modern Family was just beginning. It was the hot show that we were all writing sample scripts of. (It goes to show just how much has changed in the last ten years to realize that today, sample scripts of existing TV shows are rarely the ticket to work. Everyone wants to see your original pilot instead.)
I did an episode for my sitcom writing class, and the thing I learned is just how enormously fun that show is to write. There are so many well-drawn characters and relationships. Endless fields in which to play.
I realize the show is not much talked about any more. The thing I am still surprised by when I watch is how they’re able to marry the absurd with the poignant and real. The Pritchetts are a ridiculous bunch, and yet when it comes to the things that matter the show always seems to have the ring of truth. Rather than a fairy tale version of what our families are like, Modern Family kind of gave us a glimpse of what our families are actually like, as seen from the outside. We’re a lot more ridiculous than we often are willing to accept, and at the same time that also makes us kind of wonderful in a way we may not always appreciate.
The series finale airs April 8th.
*sigh*
THREE TWEETS THAT ARE NOT ABOUT VIRUSES
And People Wonder about Me and Dogs:
My Favorite Irish-related Tweet of all Time:
The Kind of Half-Full Thinking I Need Right Now:
(Okay, so one was about viruses. It was that or something about Pete Buttigieg dropping out. You’re welcome.)
READ
So I don’t know why, but I could not stop reading this deep dive into Smash Mouth’s 1999 video for All Star. How the song ended up dividing the band, as some were not happy with its commercial popularity; also how it literally came to be as an intended mashup of all the then-popular bands and songs.
WATCH
Comedian John Mulaney has created his own strange and hilarious niche on Saturday Night Live: musicals about the worst parts of living in New York. Last night as part of his third hosting gig he released his newest addition to his ouevre, “Airport Sushi.” An eight minute ode to everything that is wrong with LaGuardia Airport, it is and has everything.
LISTEN
David Byrne was also the musical guest last night. I’ve never seen him perform. He was remarkable.
Do you need to move? Let Mr. Byrne help you.
There’s no denying this is a weird moment. Like being in a haunted house before the ghosts up and start throwing things.
But we’re in it together. And we might not be able to touch much, but fuck it, we can still dance.