EPISODE 314: THE STORY SO F

POP CULTURE SPIRIT WOW

Hello from the very-soon-to-be-darkened movie theater where I am about to watch Avengers: Infinity War. Super excited (if last week’s newsletter didn’t give that away); it’s a huge crowd here—all journalists, hence the computers. (There’s sort of an unspoken rule in these sorts of gatherings that computers are fine as long as the screens are very small and very dim and the typing is kept very quiet. I’m actually using my iPad as ‘puter with this nifty bluetooth mini-keyboard. Whole thing almost fits in my pocket.)

A lot of the reporters here have brought their kids; there’s an 11 year old in front of me dressed like Thor and whipping around a big plastic hammer. I’m definitely not worried about getting hit with that thing. Nope, not worried, or praying for a Loki to come cause some mischief either.

There’s some great Black Widows around (with different colored wigs), a fantastic Shuri – I don’t care that we’ve only just met her in Black Panther, how does that kid not already have her own movie?

Oh, and there’s some people up front fighting – wait, correction, not “people”, a dude in glasses and a Hulk fighting one another with light sabers.

Huh. The dude is wearing the same purple pants as the Hulk....Ohhhh, got it, it’s Bruce Banner fighting the Hulk. Nice.

I’m trying a little experiment with this issue of the newsletter. Tiny Letter has this auto-send feature which I have yet to try. And I knew the next week is going to be crazy, so I thought what the heck, let’s give it a go.

So I’ve set it all up so that it should go out to you like always next Friday morning (which for you, God willing and the creek don’t rise, is today). And since it’s been a week since Avengers was released (from your point of view, I mean; for me writing this in the theater it’s coming out right now), I figure I won’t have to worry about spoilers – though I’ll still try to be careful.

As I'm writing this the lights have gone down and they’ve started cycling through the previews. Just saw what I think is the third Han Solo trailer. I’m still not convinced it’s going to work, but each trailer has definitely gotten better. And there’s some good Solo/Chewie action going on here.

(Can Ron Howard do Star Wars, though? Can he? I don’t know, guys.)

Speaking of Star Wars:

Yeah, amazing, right? If the movie can be one tenth as cool as these paintings of the Falcon all shall be well.

Also speaking of Star Wars, here’s a crazy story for you:

So maybe two months ago, or three, someone did an interview with Rian Johnson about Last Jedi, in which they brought up this random book that came out like 30 years ago about the making of The Empire Strikes Back. It’s called Once Upon a Galaxy, and it’s this journalist who got to be on set for the whole Empire shoot, and did this sort of interview diary of the experience.

I had never heard of this book, and given that when Empire came out my primary reaction to it was “What was that? How is that an ending?”, I wasn’t exactly rushing out looking for more Star Wars books to read.

(I wonder just how many of us who now preach Empire as the greatest of all Star Wars films actually hated it when it came out. I bet it’s not a small number.)

But then I’m reading this article about that book you know, thirty years later – actually it’s much closer to forty years, leave me alone, I’m not old, you are – and the question put to Johnson was, Did you read this book while you were writing Last Jedi, because your take on a number of really key ideas seem to come right from it.

And Johnson gives like a little smile and says, “I did indeed read that book. Someone gave it to me as a gift after I got the job.”

The Deadpool 2 trailer is now on. God is it great. I think everyone in this theater has already seen it a dozen times, but when it gets to the end and you find there’s some guy on the team that doesn’t have powers, just wanted the job, the crowd just goes CRAZY. That movie is going to do so well.

(Remember when people were saying Ryan Reynolds was all washed up, because Green Lantern was kind of terrible? And he kept pushing to play Deadpool in a whole movie, rather than just as a back up singer to Wolverine, and no one cared because some stupid movie about a guy with a ring on his finger didn’t work out?

It just goes to show, everyone needs to SLOW THEIR ROLL and stop writing each other off. You know?)

So anyway, after I read this Johnson interview, basically I’m like Gollum looking for my ring. I check Amazon for the book, because I have the power of Kindle.

And what I find is...actually, wait a second...

...God, this theater even has wifi, we press are spoiled!...

...so here’s the Amazon link, check it out:

That’s right. The cheapest copy of Once Upon a Galaxy, from basically the Walmart of online shopping -- and this is some cheap Del Rey paperback, not a hardcover or anything shiny – is $150.

AND THAT’S THE CHEAPEST.

eBay was much the same.

The other crazy thing was, I could not find a library in LA that had this book.

Actually, it’s not that crazy, because again, this is some pulp paperback from 1980. But still, you’d think USC at least would have it, what with all the money Lucas has given them. But no. Nobody in Southern California has it.

In fact of probably six libraries I checked, the only place I could find it was eight hours away from here, at UC-Berkeley.

Hey, is this Ocean’s Eight movie going to work, do you think? I love absolutely everyone in it, and I love that Sandra Bullock is the center of it all. But something about it, I don’t know....it’s like I can’t tell what it is really. Or it’s like it keeps telling us that it’s fun, rather than showing us so that we can actually know that it is fun.

Who am I kidding, I am still going to see it. Ocean’s Eleven is one of the movies that I cannot not watch when it comes on. It’s like mainlining cool. Or something.

Oh hey, have you seen this Celine Dion Deadpool music video?

Man that movie is going to be so good.

Okay looks like things are about to start. Give me a second to take it in.

Ooh, spooky music here at the beginning. Not the standard Marvel fare.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that’s not good. I won’t say too much, but let’s just say if you’ve been watching the most recent Marvel movies, you’ll be familiar with where this one starts. And things are definitely not going well.

So yeah, long story short, I flew to Northern California to visit that library at Berkeley.

Actually I came up for a bunch of reasons. No really I did.

Stop looking at me like that, you tricksy hobbits.

It’s MINE, MY PRECIOUS, ALL MINE.

Oh Wow. This movie is not wasting any time getting the body count started, is it? Oh, wait now, Thanos, let’s not, just—WHOA.

Okay wait now. I’m going to need a minute to process that.

Berkeley. We were talking about Berkeley. Right. So I happened to be in Northern California and happened to drive from where I was staying ninety minutes farther north to go to this tiny film library at Berkeley, after dodging considerable amounts of traffic.

(I mean that literally. I have driven in Boston. I have driven in New York. I have driven in Chicago, and Los Angeles, and a lot of other places. Only in the Bay area does driving feel like flying through an asteroid belt. So so crazy.)

I might have gotten there a little early. (Read: 90 minutes before the library opens.) It’s definitely not because I am terrified that I am going to get there and someone else is going to have the book. Definitely not.

PRECIOUS.

Doctor Strange, well hello. Neat bracelets.

The guy at the entrance to the library sort of looks like Ed Sheeran. I’m tempted to ask him to sing at my wedding. It makes no sense, I’m not having a wedding, or even another ordination, that’s all done. But there’s just something about Ed Sheeran. It feels like you should have him at your wedding. If you have to announce a wedding to make that happen so be it.

Wow. No spoilers but I gotta say, I think Doctor Strange is actually going to be cooler in this movie than in his own.

Cut to: Tony and Pepper, we like that, everything’s fine, the world isn’t ending, I’m not in denial, you are.

Hmm. You know what is ending, though? Robert Downey Jr’s youth.

I guess he has been at it for like ten years, hasn’t he... He’s top of my list of characters most likely to die in this movie, actually. For the moment, though, still very much alive.

Ooh, and now in team-up mode with Doctor Strange! Very cool.

Oh yeah, Doctor Strange is definitely cooler in this movie. His teleportation game alone is whatever this year’s version of on fleek is.

So they let me in, and I am working REALLY hard to make myself seem casual and my smile natural, not ‘restrained-scream’. And this librarian actually is like Ed Sheeran, except super quiet voice. And he talks through his nose a little bit. Actually you know what, he sounds like one of the Muppets. Like Scooter.

He’s incredibly solicitous. So much so I almost ask him to sing “I found a love for me”. Stay on target, McDermott.

I tell him what I’m looking for, and--

WHOA. This movie is REALLY not wasting ANY of the time. Isn’t it supposed to be like two and a half hours? Slow down Marvel. If you eat all the Raisenets now you won’t have any later.

(Number Two Must Have Marvel Movie Food: Raisenets)

Okay not to spoil anything but Peter Parker’s friend Ned just got a moment in this film and I am definitely going to be laughing about it for quite some time to come.

More Ned, Marvel. More Ned.

(Actually, more teenagers, period. It’s crazy, now that I think about it – the Marvel universe was created for teenagers, it featured all these teenage characters (and continues to)...but Spider-Man is literally the only super hero in the Marvel universe that is actually kid. And now Shuri, I guess.

That is insane. How did that happen?)

Okay, so anyway, I tell Scooter Sheeran what I’m looking for, and hoping he’ll sing, and—

By the way, I’m not including mutants in that comment about the Marvel universe, because they’re still not Marvel Studios properties. Not yet.

Really, before Marvel got Spider-Man from Sony, which was like two years ago, they had not a single kid in their whole universe.

Can that be right?

Wow, new armor for Peter. YASSS.

Anyway, the point is, he has the book. It’s like not even a big deal. He walks me to about fifteen feet from his desk, crouches down, looks—and there it is. A tiny red paperback, which has just enough aging to tell you it’s old, but no creases to speak of, no marks or rips. It seems like it could have been years ago that anyone even picked it up.

You know, I’m not totally sure the Russo Brothers have Peter Quill’s voice down, but the humor of the group is perfect. Drax steals EVERY SINGLE SCENE he’s in. My God is he good.

So I take the book and sit down. And honestly I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like you can have it for fifteen minutes. Or you’re not allowed to copy it.

Here’s a crazy thing actually – modern world, you don’t even NEED a photocopier anymore. Just pull out your phone and take pictures. I know, right? The future is amazing.

Except the book’s binding is so strong, the pages won’t stay open. So the first couple pictures all have my fingers in them, and then there’s weird shadows. Ugh. I hate that. The future is so lame.

Will they let me just photocopy everything? Am I even supposed to be taking pictures? I stall a bit.

Ah, so they’re definitely taking a note from Thor: Ragnarok. He’s much funnier here than we’ve seen him. It’s nice.

Oh, and there’s Team Cap. Good to see them again. Scarlet Witch and Vision are getting some great time, too. No fake ghost babies that drive people insane yet, but definitely some sparks.

(That’s an android joke there, is what that is.)

So I walk up to Ed Sheeran, thinking maybe I’ll start by asking him about Beyoncé. But there’s no need. I can photocopy as much as I want. Don’t have to tell me twice. I go right for it – this book is 280 pages, and he wants all of it, doesn’t he, his precious.

As I’m standing there, it hits me how crazy this situation is. I am holding a book that’s worth hundreds of dollars and that NOBODY has. And Muppet Ed Sheeran has it right behind his desk. And it really is just a book. Somehow I was actually expecting the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, they open it and we never see the contents, but it lights up the guys’ faces with a golden glow.

Man, you know how Thanos seemed kind of ridiculous in pretty much every other Marvel movie? He is definitely having his moment here.

In fact, I don’t know if it’s intentional on the directors’ part of just the essence of Josh Brolin seeping through, but it seems like he’s kind of a big purple heart throb.

But what muscle-bound giant doesn't look good in a sleeveless purple tee, I guess...?

He’s also making an argument for why he’s doing what he’s doing that is totally different than the comics and enormously persuasive. In fact, I think his argument is more persuasive than Killmonger. And he was number one on my Marvel super villains list.

You know that scene at the end of Raiders, where they go hide the Ark of the Covenant in some random warehouse? That’s kind of what this library is to me. In fact, as I’m copying I find myself wondering, isn’t this what every library is, really? A warehouse filled with incredible stuff that mostly has been forgotten?

Do people even use libraries any more? They do, I know, but I bet it’s less and less. I was at a library in one of the beach towns of LA not too long ago, and I went there looking for something their online records showed they had, an old magazine with a great article about John Hughes that I couldn’t find online. And I got there, and the librarian was just like “No.”

And I’m thinking, you didn’t even check your ancient computer, you don’t even know.

But then it turned out she was right. They didn’t have it any more. It was just still in their records.

Which on the one hand seems

Gamora do not do that.

like some version of the tragedy of life today. Civilization falling apart. Centers cannot

Seriously, do not do that.

But then on the other, maybe that’s ideal? Like, I don’t know what the Raiders warehouse was, but it was definitely a place where things could get lost for good.

So maybe our libraries today really are these wonder crypts of ancient magic books. And instead of driving by them we should go in and let ourselves be surprised.

(I wonder if people looked at warehouses differently after Raiders.

They probably didn’t, did they...)

DARN IT.

Wow, they have really thought this movie through. And Thanos is DEFINITELY having his moment. The dying seems to have trickled off a bit for now, but

NO.

COME ON, NO!

Wow. That’s—what does that mean? Jeez.

There’s two versions of the stereotypical librarian, right? There’s the ones that just want you to be quiet and spend all their time glaring. (Which actually sounds way too similar to the way I behave in Starbucks. I literally have to tell myself, This is a public space. You cannot yell at them.)

Then there’s the people like Muppet Ed, with the super gentle voice and this like restrained eagerness to show you stuff. Like, in a way they have the coolest job of anyone. They’re working in a cave filled with treasures. FILLED.

And at the same time, they don’t have any of that MINE-ness, that PRECIOUS-ness, the nice ones. They’ve seen the treasure and what they want is just to be able to show it to other people, too. Their whole professional life is caring for beautiful things and telling people, “C’mere, you gotta see this.”

Which maybe explains why they can seem so restrained at the same time. Human beings are so weird; if you approach us with too much enthusiasm, we’ll just run away, right? So you have to kind of play it cool, or seem less excited.

God this movie has all the team ups, doesn’t it? And yet it’s all cohering so much better for me than in Civil War. And yet there are so many more characters. How did they put this story together?

(And are they going to win? Because Thanos, man...

I wonder if anyone will write this week about Thanos’ argument. It’s disturbingly persuasive. And in a weird way, it’s almost like Thanos is the embodiment of our collective decision as human society not to prevent climate change. He’s like our get out of jail free card. “@PopsiclesYum I’d do something to fix the planet, but Thanos. ;(“

You gotta love a villain who has a real argument to make. Even if his persuasiveness is a brutal indictment of humanity.)

What if librarians are basically environmentalists of the mind? Or of culture? While we tweet and tantrum and look to some supposedly more exciting future, librarians are the ones taking care of all the beautiful stuff we built or thought, protecting and advocating. Recognizing that it’s so so fragile.

Okay so we’re headed into two huge set pieces now, kind of for all the marbles. Again, so many moving pieces. This thing is crazy.

The one group’s plan is great, and also really well written. It’s based on all these observations that we could have been making but I certainly haven’t been. And then when they roll it out it’s like oh, I missed that, that’s so smart.

But I’m also having a very Green Lantern-gripe. Thanos needs the Gauntlet to wield the stones. Every time he closes his fist he gets all these powers. So, um, why isn’t anyone trying to cut his arm off? TAKE A NOTE FROM STAR WARS, PEOPLE. YOU ALWAYS CUT OFF THE ARM.

(If you read my manifesto on Last Jedi – my current high point as a human being – you might have noticed that of all my predictions about Last Jedi based solely on the other two trilogies, the one really big thing that did not happen is that no one had an arm cut off. I had predicted maybe to mix things up they’d do it to Threepio. But no, not even that.

Turns out, in a prior version of the ending, instead of falling to her death Phasma loses her arm.

Maybe they can still do that, and just have the fall=death be a fake out. That character has deserved so much more than she’s been given in these movies.)

I’m just about done with my photocopies now. And I’m noticing all kinds of great first sentences, like “Mark Hamill is having one of those days.” Or “I spent my morning having tea with Miss Piggy.” I cannot wait to dig into this and inflict it on you.

WAKANDA FOREVER!

Also, Doctor Strange, if I may: Is this the one option that works, or what are you doing? Because man, this does not—

I’m just going to say it right now: I like this movie A LOT. It’s is incredibly seamless. And it has a great variety of characters (and rabbits...heh). But almost all the significant arcs have been given to the men.

Not all, but almost all. And a couple of them are just goofy. How many beats do we need of Bruce Banner having trouble with something I will not spoil. I get it, it’s important, but Nat couldn’t get a little more attention? Or Okoye?

And where the heck is Valkyrie?

And WHERE THE $!$# ARE ANT-MAN AND HAWKEYE? Because that explanation, given these circumstances...ridiculous.

Wow the time stone COMES TO PLAY.

Cap and Thanos—nice. NICE.

Hey, did I mention there’s some website about the movie they say you should check once it’s over? I don’t totally know what it’s for, it’s not live until tonight, I think. Sounds like it's some kind of after-story.

OH, THAT’S GOTTA HURT.

Annndddddd—ANNNDDDDD—AND!—

Wait, what does that mean?

Huh.

Whoa. What?

Man I should not have had all that caramel corn.

(Number One Must Have Marvel Movie Food: ArcLight Caramel Corn.)

WAIT, WHAT?

I haven’t started Once Upon a Galaxy yet. I’m actually going to start

Can popcorn go bad? Because ugh

Sorry, I mean, I’m going to start the book tonight, as soon

Okay, the sound design and special effects here are just unbelievable. This whole ending is

I just

Wait

No

Wait

Oh

But I had links